"For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have."

"How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?"

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

"Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence, so why bother shaving?"

"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank."

"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon."

"Unhappiness in a child accumulates because he sees no end to the dark tunnel. The thirteen weeks of a term might just as well be thirteen years."

"Language is like a crack'd kettle on which we beat out tunes for bears to dance to, while all the time we long to move the stars to pity."

"Politeness is one half good nature and the other half good lying."

"God gave women intuition and femininity. Used properly, the combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met."

"To die for an idea is to place a pretty high price upon conjectures."

"It is only the wisest and the stupidest that cannot change."